Switching Gears on WordPress

I have decided to start something new with my blogging habits – using it to develop my writing skills and connect with others.

I have 2 new websites – one is personal and the other is to specifically talk about mental health.

Personal blog: reneelynnk.wordpress.com

Mental health blog: MentalSuite

Please keep in touch! I don’t want to lose you!

Combat Negative Self-Talk

 We all come from the same slate. Don’t fall into the trapped belief that you are inferior. You are a very special, one of a kind. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

-Miss Kho

I’m too stupid. I’m ugly. I’m weak. Everyone is better than me. I’m inadequate. I’m a failure. I never do anything right. I never succeed. Repeating these statements on a constant basis is obviously doing more harm than good. If you fall victim of negative self-talk, how does it make you feel? Doesn’t it add strain to your body physiologically? It’s obviously not the best feeling in the world. Referring to my previous post, repetition of negative thoughts will enter our subconscious naturally and when we believe in them, we then eventually become what we believe. It’s a dangerous downward slope to follow. Please don’t get caught into this.

You need to form positive affirmations about yourself. Instead of saying, I’m ugly say I’m beautiful. If you don’t believe you’re beautiful, tell me precisely how one defines beauty. If you are defining beauty in reference to XYZ, then stop comparing. If it helps, try meditating. Begin connecting with people to whom you associate with positive influence. Our social circle has a powerful effect to us whether we are aware of it or not.

I once hung around a group of deviant people who would respond to life’s pitfalls with drugs, alcohol and various bizarre activities in between. Just within 2 years ago, I wiped out all of them because I knew they were having debilitating effects on me. I took a big risk, which led me to intense isolation from everyone. I was severely depressed and lonely, but I knew that by allowing myself some time for mental cleansing and self-growth, it would be for the best in the long run. It’s like demolishing an old building and rebuilding it so it’ll be held upon a better foundation. That’s what it felt for me – the pain or the demolishment is what was necessary for having the new foundation for a sustaining better life.

Express Gratitude

One of the great ways for us to have more satisfaction in life is to express gratitude for all the things we have. It doesn’t matter how big or small it is. When we wake up in the morning, take a brief moment to write down all the things you are currently grateful for. For example, that could be “I am grateful for having a roof over my head”, “I am grateful for witnessing a new day” or “I am grateful that I will be getting my paycheck today.” It’s kind of upsetting that we as a society are conditioned to focus on the things we don’t have. When we express gratitude, we are letting the idea into our consciousness. First, by taking the time to think about what we are grateful for, and then the mere act of writing it down will surely let the thought of gratefulness sink in. Over time, these thoughts will enter our subconscious, and we are inadvertently becoming more and more positive through our personality and mindset. On the contrary, when we repeat negative thoughts of not having the car we’ve always wanted, not having enough money to pay bills or falling behind in class, then sure enough, the thought your consciousness is strongly focused on will continue to become part of your reality.

I’ve experimented with this before, and it truly does work. I used to have bouts of suicide on and off for many years, was diagnosed with depression, and underwent a risky lifestyle that my sane self would not approve of. I’m amazed for the major turn around I’ve done.  If I were to write down something that I am thankful for now, it will be that I’m thankful for seeing the world through a positive lens. It’s almost crazy at how my thinking shifted completed from the opposite side of the spectrum. When you are undergoing a tough time and are contemplating suicide, I’ll tell you that it’s not the end of the world. I know it’s so cliché to say that to one who is in deep emotional trouble, but I can’t emphasize it enough. Life is all about ups and downs. When you’re feeling down, there will always be a chance for you to gain happiness again. On the other hand, when you’re feeling happy, appreciate exactly what you’re feeling at the moment, but don’t take it for granted – be prepared for the pitfalls that may imminently come your way. It’s inevitable. It’s just the fact of reality, and that’s what so fun about it. I view life as a game and your only way to master it is through your way of thinking.

American Beauty

American Beauty has always given me the chills. It couldn’t have been composed in a better form. It was just perfect. I watch this movie any time I’m feeling down because it has the ability to help me escape my current reality and to gain insight on the true meaning of life. The movie has so many thick complex layers that go deep down describing each individual character’s search for beauty in the world. Beauty is everywhere. Not many can perceive it, nor put forth effort into it because they are so wired in on the daily flow of life. It seems as if everyone is living on autopilot. It’s quite sad. Instead of loathing on our pitfalls, why not appreciate the beauty our temporary life has to offer? I engage in a lot of deep thinking – maybe a little too much, but at least a positive discovery came out of it. We just have so many great expectations out of life that if the things we want are slightly altered, we get frustrated and the mere act of exhibiting frustration is attracting negative energy from the universe to you. It’s like adding fuel to the fire. You’re life will never get better living that way. Ever. As simple as it sounds, you truly do create your own reality. Every event that has ever happened is neutral – it is up to you to react to it in a certain way. Beauty can come in all forms – just anything. Appreciate the small things. Focus on the good and disregard the pitfalls because they are inevitable.

Below is a snippet from the soundtrack of American Beauty. It was played during the kissing scene between Lester and Angela. The music itself seemed to be relevant to my topic. Enjoy.

Self-comparison

It’s hurting me like a deadly disease. It’s the reason why my Facebook has been deleted for quite some time now. With one exception: I temporarily activate it when a new blog here is posted. I would regrettably browse through acquaintances’ and old friends’ profiles and see the achievements they’ve made and how happy they are from the photos. It makes me sulk in my failures and non existent successes as I compare them to how my life is at the present moment, sitting down on my bed in my pajamas, with nothing to do for the day and still making chump change with a typical restaurant job. I quickly delete my Facebook again shortly after I snap out of my trance of clicking through profile to profile, pages to pages in awe of how people I knew years ago have advanced. I know I am to blame (for the most part) for the outcome of my life, and that’s exactly why I am feeling down. I hate myself for it. I know I should stop…NOW. Instead of pitying myself, why not just step up my game and get over it? It’s not that easy. Many stresses interfere with my drive to success and happiness. There was some quote that goes along the lines of, “If you can fix it, don’t worry about it. If you can’t fix it, don’t worry about it.” It all means that there’s no point in worrying at all. I know this to be true. I think I just lack the social stimulation from the outside environment to reassure me that everything will be okay. I sift through my cell to see who I can talk to – no one. Me and my 3 roommates are so different from each other, that we don’t even bother talking at all. It gets pretty lonely here. I do have the option to visit my family, but I find myself to be needy, as I visit them more often now. I am not satisfied with where I stand. I want to be happy. I want to succeed. I know I am relatively young – 23 years old. I have more chapters in my life to yet experience, but it seems like that climatic moment is towards the very end of the story, or maybe the writer has it predetermined to never include that event. Maybe patience is key.

Numb

I’ve sort of plateaued in my depressive stage to where I am just surrendering to life’s targets against me. I give up. The more I respond to the negative events around me, the more it hurts, so passiveness is key. I already knew this concept of knowing how to control your feelings, but the forces against me are nonstop. They’re bullies. Those motherfuckers. If I’m a simulation in someone’s computer, then they surely know how to make my life a living Hell. It’s okay. I’m socially incompetent a bit. I don’t know who’s to blame for that. Well, we can only blame ourselves. Or is it the other? It’s a never ending cycle. What is the cause? The chicken or the egg?

Nothing seems to matter anymore. I perceive the world as a constant blur as if I’m on autopilot. I think I’m alive and I wish you knew how I felt. It feels like I’m floating, but with the awareness that things are not good at all.

I watched the movie, Bully, the other night – just another RedBox delight. I couldn’t bear to proceed past the first 30 minutes of the film. The documented scenes and descriptive languages used gave me a vivid picture of how I suffered during my grade school years.   No child who has ever been chronically bullied can ever get over the trauma faced. I wish I never watched the movie, let alone having it ever produced. Now the memoriesof me being victimized are crystal clear in my head as if it just happened yesterday.

When will this end?

My Definition of Hell

I feel like I’ve lost myself. Writing, photography and music – everything that I was ever passionate about has died away and I can’t seem to find a way to retrieve it. I feel like I’ve lost my identity. Who am I now? Why have  I changed? I want to get back to my old self, but I just can’t seem to resuscitate from this bland life I never dreamed of living. I’m even having a hard time writing this very post – should I word my sentence this way, that way, or are my ideas flowing well? Never in my life have I struggled to write my feelings. I have went through a lot of wear and tear in the year of 2012. Drugs, alcohol, and miscellaneous promiscuous activities that I’ve engaged in has separated me from my true passions. It’s like I’m paralyzed. My old temporary lifestyle has forever damaged me. Life is pointless without learning anything new. Life is pointless when you can’t truly express your emotions in the way that you want to. I’m incapable of expression. Help, I’m trapped! Do you know how frustrating this is? All I say or write seems nothing but me sulking in my pathetic misery. I feel like a child being overly dramatic for not getting a toy I catch a glimpse of at the store – that’s how cheap my emotions are. My cry for help is meaningless. It lacks depth. My attempt to get help is not enough to evoke emotions from others. I’m knowingly living on autopilot and I can’t flip the switch. It’s like I died, but I’m still conscious. Nothing hurts worse.

Up close and personal

What do you think the average 22-year-old female does on her free time? Drink? Party? Get high? Fuck random men? Is this normal? It seems like I’m surrounded by individuals who crave for such things. These “people” somehow are polluting my perception of “people”. I am for sure not everyone in my age group would involve themself promiscuous activities like these. Do you want to know what I do on my free time? You could either catch me reading or writing. Yeah, that’s right. Let me restate: I would be reading or writing on my free time. Yes, it’s fun. You should try it. I absolutely love it! Call me boring. To be honest, I did have my phase of living a crazy life – a life that was left absent from my sheltered upbringing. My parents, who failed at parenting, never gave me the chance to have a taste of reality. This is where the rebel lying dormant within me unleashed very late in life. Though I didn’t approve of the irresponsible nightlife, I wanted to have experience. I couldn’t have a say against it unless I have experienced it, right? It’s like saying, “I hate sushi” when you never even tried it. So, I did a little this and that, which lasted for no more than 3 months, and then that was it. I got tired and became a little paranoid about the slippery slope my life was downgrading to. I know I’m better than this. I know I’m responsible, and I know I have a future ahead of me. In other words, I matured very early in life…or to look at this on a negative note, I am “boring”.

I am fortunate enough to have the mentality to think for myself and not everyone. I don’t care about what anyone thinks. I really don’t. Honestly, what makes another human better than the other? Say, you go to a highly competitive job interview: What makes your competitor better than you? After all, he/she is just another human, right? Right! Anyone is capable of anything. As Steve Jobs said in his commencement speech, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to loose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” Viewing society from this perspective has given me more confidence in what I do and not (excuse the language) give a fuck about what those motherfuckers think. Do what you love. You’re better than to let someone else’s insignificant opinion prevent you from doing anything you could potentially achieve. Don’t let them win.

Hunger pangs

I’ve always been mindful of whatever goes into my stomach. Maintaining a food diary to moderate exactly how many calories I should eat is a daily process. It’s been a very long time since I’ve truly enjoyed eating. With every bite I consume, I’m thinking hard, very hard about what it’ll do to my body. Even with that, I still tend to overeat. When I regret the 10-minute binge that should not have happened, I find myself bending over the toilet detoxifying myself of all the calories that would’ve been glued onto my thighs, stomach, neck and arms – you name it. I spend countless minutes staring at myself in my full body mirror regretting every moment I eat, but then eat again to cure my misery. And then the session in the bathroom starts all over again. It’s a vicious cycle that will never find its ending. When I master skipping a meal, or go on a 24+ hour fast, I feel empowered. The hunger pains makes me feel like I’ve succeeded at not giving into temptations. I know this is a completely irrational thought, but for some reason I like this mindset. It’s like a self-inflicted addiction that I endure.

In all honesty, my current weight right now at 5’0″ feet tall is 112lbs. It’s perfectly healthy according to health standards, but not according to me. I feel fat, sluggish and weak. Last year, I was down 85 pounds. It’s kind of silly because even at that tiny body, I was still thinking the same way I’m thinking now about food. The only difference is that I used to run an average of 25 miles/week and I never surpassed 1,000 calories/day. I tried to make sure I burned more calories than consumed. I relished every moment that I starved myself. It gave me a sense of satisfaction when my stomach screams in pain. Every day that I continued with this pattern, the more my willpower increased, and the more respect I had for myself for being so mentally strong with so much control. When my bones become noticeable without trying, I appreciate myself more. Call me crazy – the skin and bones look is attractive.

Within a year later, I stopped working for retail and then worked in the food industry – worst environment to be if one wants to lose weight. You begin to engage in mindless eating habits where you can graze left and right and before you know it, the bowl of poisonous calories you’ve been eating off of is empty, and the only person you can blame is yourself.

An Untold Secret

I have a lot of friends that call and ask to go out – primarily to eat. I almost always have to say no because I don’t want to give in to temptations. When I eat, I will most likely throw it up, and I absolutely HATE throwing up. The process intensifies the blood rushing through my face and neck, making them seem red and my eyes bloodshot, as if I’ve completed a session of abusing drugs. My face is smothered with saliva and food particles and that slimy mess leaks from my 2 fingers jammed in my throat to my elbows, so my arm is covered in a wet, filthy grime. It’s a mess I don’t want to deal with. Though it’s not officially diagnosed, I believe I do suffer a cross between bulimia and anorexia. My weight has fluctuated from the past year going from a tiny 85 pounds to a current healthy 115 pounds in a 5 feet tall body. I regret the 30lb weight gain and I’m beating myself up about it more and more than when I used to be strict with myself last year. I used to spend hours, and I mean HOURS at the gym trying to burn more calories than I consumed and engaged in cardio exercise and only stopped until I feel like passing out. I look at morbidly obese individuals and it makes me depressed and worried because I feel that I’m only a few bites away from looking like them. I always think to myself, “Morbidly obese people are weak and pathetic and are undisciplined eaters. Don’t be like them.” At this heightened state of irrational fear, I can’t seem to stop. Please help. The voices inside my head that constantly say, “You are fucking fat!” will never go away. I can’t stop binge eating because I’m constantly thinking about food and I’m gaining weight at an exponential rate, as it seems like. I try not to eat because if I do, I don’t want to go through the havoc of bending over the toilet. When I buy food for myself, I manage to only eat a few bites and give the rest away pretending to be “full” when I’m still hungry. I’ve been punishing myself at the gym the past few weeks and it’s not enough. This may sound like I’m a bad friend, but I regret the friends who tried to feed me at the beginning of my weight gain. All they wanted was to make me healthy. But as soon as I took a bite into that toxic chunk of calories, my will power broke off. Every time I have the control to say no, I feel empowered. So my rule is simple. Just don’t eat. But it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Me at 108lbs – May 2012

98 lbs – November 2011