July 18, 2012 § 3 Comments
I’ve always been mindful of whatever goes into my stomach. Maintaining a food diary to moderate exactly how many calories I should eat is a daily process. It’s been a very long time since I’ve truly enjoyed eating. With every bite I consume, I’m thinking hard, very hard about what it’ll do to my body. Even with that, I still tend to overeat. When I regret the 10-minute binge that should not have happened, I find myself bending over the toilet detoxifying myself of all the calories that would’ve been glued onto my thighs, stomach, neck and arms – you name it. I spend countless minutes staring at myself in my full body mirror regretting every moment I eat, but then eat again to cure my misery. And then the session in the bathroom starts all over again. It’s a vicious cycle that will never find its ending. When I master skipping a meal, or go on a 24+ hour fast, I feel empowered. The hunger pains makes me feel like I’ve succeeded at not giving into temptations. I know this is a completely irrational thought, but for some reason I like this mindset. It’s like a self-inflicted addiction that I endure.
In all honesty, my current weight right now at 5’0″ feet tall is 112lbs. It’s perfectly healthy according to health standards, but not according to me. I feel fat, sluggish and weak. Last year, I was down 85 pounds. It’s kind of silly because even at that tiny body, I was still thinking the same way I’m thinking now about food. The only difference is that I used to run an average of 25 miles/week and I never surpassed 1,000 calories/day. I tried to make sure I burned more calories than consumed. I relished every moment that I starved myself. It gave me a sense of satisfaction when my stomach screams in pain. Every day that I continued with this pattern, the more my willpower increased, and the more respect I had for myself for being so mentally strong with so much control. When my bones become noticeable without trying, I appreciate myself more. Call me crazy – the skin and bones look is attractive.
Within a year later, I stopped working for retail and then worked in the food industry – worst environment to be if one wants to lose weight. You begin to engage in mindless eating habits where you can graze left and right and before you know it, the bowl of poisonous calories you’ve been eating off of is empty, and the only person you can blame is yourself.