Numb

I’ve sort of plateaued in my depressive stage to where I am just surrendering to life’s targets against me. I give up. The more I respond to the negative events around me, the more it hurts, so passiveness is key. I already knew this concept of knowing how to control your feelings, but the forces against me are nonstop. They’re bullies. Those motherfuckers. If I’m a simulation in someone’s computer, then they surely know how to make my life a living Hell. It’s okay. I’m socially incompetent a bit. I don’t know who’s to blame for that. Well, we can only blame ourselves. Or is it the other? It’s a never ending cycle. What is the cause? The chicken or the egg?

Nothing seems to matter anymore. I perceive the world as a constant blur as if I’m on autopilot. I think I’m alive and I wish you knew how I felt. It feels like I’m floating, but with the awareness that things are not good at all.

I watched the movie, Bully, the other night – just another RedBox delight. I couldn’t bear to proceed past the first 30 minutes of the film. The documented scenes and descriptive languages used gave me a vivid picture of how I suffered during my grade school years.   No child who has ever been chronically bullied can ever get over the trauma faced. I wish I never watched the movie, let alone having it ever produced. Now the memoriesof me being victimized are crystal clear in my head as if it just happened yesterday.

When will this end?