An Untold Secret

June 29, 2012 § 3 Comments

I have a lot of friends that call and ask to go out – primarily to eat. I almost always have to say no because I don’t want to give in to temptations. When I eat, I will most likely throw it up, and I absolutely HATE throwing up. The process intensifies the blood rushing through my face and neck, making them seem red and my eyes bloodshot, as if I’ve completed a session of abusing drugs. My face is smothered with saliva and food particles and that slimy mess leaks from my 2 fingers jammed in my throat to my elbows, so my arm is covered in a wet, filthy grime. It’s a mess I don’t want to deal with. Though it’s not officially diagnosed, I believe I do suffer a cross between bulimia and anorexia. My weight has fluctuated from the past year going from a tiny 85 pounds to a current healthy 115 pounds in a 5 feet tall body. I regret the 30lb weight gain and I’m beating myself up about it more and more than when I used to be strict with myself last year. I used to spend hours, and I mean HOURS at the gym trying to burn more calories than I consumed and engaged in cardio exercise and only stopped until I feel like passing out. I look at morbidly obese individuals and it makes me depressed and worried because I feel that I’m only a few bites away from looking like them. I always think to myself, “Morbidly obese people are weak and pathetic and are undisciplined eaters. Don’t be like them.” At this heightened state of irrational fear, I can’t seem to stop. Please help. The voices inside my head that constantly say, “You are fucking fat!” will never go away. I can’t stop binge eating because I’m constantly thinking about food and I’m gaining weight at an exponential rate, as it seems like. I try not to eat because if I do, I don’t want to go through the havoc of bending over the toilet. When I buy food for myself, I manage to only eat a few bites and give the rest away pretending to be “full” when I’m still hungry. I’ve been punishing myself at the gym the past few weeks and it’s not enough. This may sound like I’m a bad friend, but I regret the friends who tried to feed me at the beginning of my weight gain. All they wanted was to make me healthy. But as soon as I took a bite into that toxic chunk of calories, my will power broke off. Every time I have the control to say no, I feel empowered. So my rule is simple. Just don’t eat. But it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Me at 108lbs – May 2012

98 lbs – November 2011


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