Up close and personal

August 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

What do you think the average 22-year-old female does on her free time? Drink? Party? Get high? Fuck random men? Is this normal? It seems like I’m surrounded by individuals who crave for such things. These “people” somehow are polluting my perception of “people”. I am for sure not everyone in my age group would involve themself promiscuous activities like these. Do you want to know what I do on my free time? You could either catch me reading or writing. Yeah, that’s right. Let me restate: I would be reading or writing on my free time. Yes, it’s fun. You should try it. I absolutely love it! Call me boring. To be honest, I did have my phase of living a crazy life – a life that was left absent from my sheltered upbringing. My parents, who failed at parenting, never gave me the chance to have a taste of reality. This is where the rebel lying dormant within me unleashed very late in life. Though I didn’t approve of the irresponsible nightlife, I wanted to have experience. I couldn’t have a say against it unless I have experienced it, right? It’s like saying, “I hate sushi” when you never even tried it. So, I did a little this and that, which lasted for no more than 3 months, and then that was it. I got tired and became a little paranoid about the slippery slope my life was downgrading to. I know I’m better than this. I know I’m responsible, and I know I have a future ahead of me. In other words, I matured very early in life…or to look at this on a negative note, I am “boring”.

I am fortunate enough to have the mentality to think for myself and not everyone. I don’t care about what anyone thinks. I really don’t. Honestly, what makes another human better than the other? Say, you go to a highly competitive job interview: What makes your competitor better than you? After all, he/she is just another human, right? Right! Anyone is capable of anything. As Steve Jobs said in his commencement speech, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to loose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” Viewing society from this perspective has given me more confidence in what I do and not (excuse the language) give a fuck about what those motherfuckers think. Do what you love. You’re better than to let someone else’s insignificant opinion prevent you from doing anything you could potentially achieve. Don’t let them win.

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Hunger pangs

July 18, 2012 § 3 Comments

I’ve always been mindful of whatever goes into my stomach. Maintaining a food diary to moderate exactly how many calories I should eat is a daily process. It’s been a very long time since I’ve truly enjoyed eating. With every bite I consume, I’m thinking hard, very hard about what it’ll do to my body. Even with that, I still tend to overeat. When I regret the 10-minute binge that should not have happened, I find myself bending over the toilet detoxifying myself of all the calories that would’ve been glued onto my thighs, stomach, neck and arms – you name it. I spend countless minutes staring at myself in my full body mirror regretting every moment I eat, but then eat again to cure my misery. And then the session in the bathroom starts all over again. It’s a vicious cycle that will never find its ending. When I master skipping a meal, or go on a 24+ hour fast, I feel empowered. The hunger pains makes me feel like I’ve succeeded at not giving into temptations. I know this is a completely irrational thought, but for some reason I like this mindset. It’s like a self-inflicted addiction that I endure.

In all honesty, my current weight right now at 5’0″ feet tall is 112lbs. It’s perfectly healthy according to health standards, but not according to me. I feel fat, sluggish and weak. Last year, I was down 85 pounds. It’s kind of silly because even at that tiny body, I was still thinking the same way I’m thinking now about food. The only difference is that I used to run an average of 25 miles/week and I never surpassed 1,000 calories/day. I tried to make sure I burned more calories than consumed. I relished every moment that I starved myself. It gave me a sense of satisfaction when my stomach screams in pain. Every day that I continued with this pattern, the more my willpower increased, and the more respect I had for myself for being so mentally strong with so much control. When my bones become noticeable without trying, I appreciate myself more. Call me crazy – the skin and bones look is attractive.

Within a year later, I stopped working for retail and then worked in the food industry – worst environment to be if one wants to lose weight. You begin to engage in mindless eating habits where you can graze left and right and before you know it, the bowl of poisonous calories you’ve been eating off of is empty, and the only person you can blame is yourself.

An Untold Secret

June 29, 2012 § 3 Comments

I have a lot of friends that call and ask to go out – primarily to eat. I almost always have to say no because I don’t want to give in to temptations. When I eat, I will most likely throw it up, and I absolutely HATE throwing up. The process intensifies the blood rushing through my face and neck, making them seem red and my eyes bloodshot, as if I’ve completed a session of abusing drugs. My face is smothered with saliva and food particles and that slimy mess leaks from my 2 fingers jammed in my throat to my elbows, so my arm is covered in a wet, filthy grime. It’s a mess I don’t want to deal with. Though it’s not officially diagnosed, I believe I do suffer a cross between bulimia and anorexia. My weight has fluctuated from the past year going from a tiny 85 pounds to a current healthy 115 pounds in a 5 feet tall body. I regret the 30lb weight gain and I’m beating myself up about it more and more than when I used to be strict with myself last year. I used to spend hours, and I mean HOURS at the gym trying to burn more calories than I consumed and engaged in cardio exercise and only stopped until I feel like passing out. I look at morbidly obese individuals and it makes me depressed and worried because I feel that I’m only a few bites away from looking like them. I always think to myself, “Morbidly obese people are weak and pathetic and are undisciplined eaters. Don’t be like them.” At this heightened state of irrational fear, I can’t seem to stop. Please help. The voices inside my head that constantly say, “You are fucking fat!” will never go away. I can’t stop binge eating because I’m constantly thinking about food and I’m gaining weight at an exponential rate, as it seems like. I try not to eat because if I do, I don’t want to go through the havoc of bending over the toilet. When I buy food for myself, I manage to only eat a few bites and give the rest away pretending to be “full” when I’m still hungry. I’ve been punishing myself at the gym the past few weeks and it’s not enough. This may sound like I’m a bad friend, but I regret the friends who tried to feed me at the beginning of my weight gain. All they wanted was to make me healthy. But as soon as I took a bite into that toxic chunk of calories, my will power broke off. Every time I have the control to say no, I feel empowered. So my rule is simple. Just don’t eat. But it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Me at 108lbs – May 2012

98 lbs – November 2011

Detox

April 4, 2012 § Leave a comment

It’s a surprise how I’m still breathing…or is it only my imagination? The amount of stress piling onto my shoulders have surpassed on what I thought would be my limit. Now I survived, and still am in the process of surviving episodes of immense trial and error pains of what I’d like to call life. I’ve learned a lot – more than I asked for. Should I be proud of the hell life puts on me? Well, yes. It only makes me more immune to anger, shame, guilt, sorrow, sadness…the whole nine yards.

Desensitized. No other word in the English language could describe me any better. Could life be lived better like an emotionless robot? Could you imagine a world where no emotions exist – positive emotions, let alone the negative?  You can’t feel happiness as a robot. I haven’t genuinely felt that way in quite some time. Maybe I am a robot, it’s just not confirmed yet.

I went grocery shopping at Whole Foods Market to buy ingredients for my Master Cleanse detox diet. You have no idea how hard it is to find Grade B maple syrup. ANYway, in the process of consuming nothing but water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup, I felt pain. I couldn’t distinguish if it was physical hunger or my taste buds just craving food. Maybe both. But then I realized, the longer I put through with this strict diet, the better my results will be in the end. Willpower – that’s the answer. You get stronger and stronger the more you train yourself the feel pain, emotionally or physically. In the end, you realize how much you can accomplish. Over time, the experiences you once thought was terrible, may not be as terrible as when you initially experienced them. You don’t always have to view every unfortunate event in a dim light. View it as a way of putting yourself in an emotional detox diet.

TMI Disorder

January 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

Is there such a thing? I found that even though I’d prefer to live a covert lifestyle, I am bound to say just a liiitle bit too much about myself especially when I get deep into a conversation. Why’s that? Why do I, without thinking, feel compelled to spill my whole life story when it is not deemed necessary? I revealed to one of my coworkers that I ___________________ and it was something I’ve kept a secret for almost a year. I have successfully lived a double life and it has faltered in the midst of our 5 minute conversation. I guess it’s not so bad to let a few folks know the gist of my secret life…is it? There are some people who are open to speak of this specific lifestyle I am living, but it is frowned upon. I, myself, am not proud of it, but it is what I have to resort to to survive. Shame.

Resolution for the new year 2012

January 1, 2012 § Leave a comment

Before I begin, I want to point out the uselessness of celebrating the new year. I mean, it’s just another day. We midas well celebrate everyday. Every single day of each and every year is unique in its month, day and year – Like January 1st, XXXX.

I didn’t have any resolution for this year. Maybe it’s just a continuation of 2011’s resolution – the generic work out and eat healthy type lifestyle. I’ve been fairly successful. I still maintain a steady routine of jogging and/or hitting the gym 3-4 times a week and being conscious of what I consume. Nothing too difficult unless you’re a lazy, undetermined bum. Due to my fitness level, it has unintentionally caused me to look down on others who don’t take physical care of themselves. It’s not that hard! Just be strict to yourself for 7 days. Before you know, you’ll create a habit out of it. Will power never felt so good.

Most of my friends’ resolutions were to concentrate more on school. Yeah, it’s another decent, generic type of resolution as well, but for the first time, this idea has plummeted down on my personal to-do list. I will touch on it very lightly for this post, and elaborate more in the future. The only people who will have ease of access to colleges/universities are those who have rich, supportive parents, or are borderline homeless. I’m the working poor, so I definitely don’t benefit financially either way.

Below is an intriguing video of how college isn’t for everyone. I have a low attention span on the internet, and since I was glued to the screen watching this entire 1 hour video, then it’s probably decent enough for you, too.

When reality slaps you in the face

December 12, 2011 § Leave a comment

On the second day living independently in my newly leased apartment, I realized my landlord doesn’t tell me everything

I woke up on this innocent day getting ready for work, got dressed, and about to take on the day. I walked out the door to anticipate a silver Acura RSX in the same corner I parked it the night prior. Little did I know, the car was essentially…missing. I was then beginning to slowly sink in what was really happening. “Shiiiit” I thought to myself. “I should’ve known my car would get stolen in this dangerous burglar-prone area.” I was in major panic mode, veins pulsating loudly through my numb ears in the wicked cold weather. Unsure of how I was supposed to react, I tried to remain calm. As I wandered aimlessly through the barren parking lot, a large bright red sign popped up in front of my eyes a mere 12 hours too late. “Unauthorized parking will be towed at owner’s expense.” Oh, bull-fucking shit!

So I regretfully woke up my newly be-friended roommate about the surreal nightmare I was facing. She didn’t have a car so she gave me all DART bus and train route information and such. Never in my entire life did I have to exclusively depend on mass transit. Turns out my car has been impounded near Stemmons Fwy and Royal Ln – pretty much the most worn down area in Dallas. I had to take a bus, ride the train and then waaaaalk nearly .5 miles to the specific impound location. That .5 mile walk is an experience I never want to face ever again. I got old scary, unhygienic men winking, whistling and honking their horns at me on the streets. A guy drove by my side going no more than 5 mph, opened his windows and said, “Hey, why don’t you come on in for a ride?” I kindly acknowledge his offer and said no thanks and proceeded forward. The supposed .5 mile walk turned in a 1 mile walk due to inadequate street labeling. I depended on Google maps on my phone to help direct me to the location. Even with that, I was still lost. The battery icon was blinking, my fingers numb, preventing me to use my phone with ease. I was afraid to touch my phone once again because it may shut off at any moment. With much effort, I stared at the dimmed screen reflecting in the bright sunlight and tried to memorize the route as best my mind could handle. This day is just not my day. As I then walked a couple blocks forward, that same guy from before drives in front of me, blocking my path and pleads with me to jump in his car. Out of all days that I carry Mace with me, why didn’t I carry one with me now?

Phew! After the sequence of treacherous events, destination has arrived. I was only able to pay with both a credit card and a debit card because I only have an insufficient X amount of dollars and credit on both cards. The receptionist gave me the inconvenient news that in order for me to use 2 different kinds of cards, I have to pay $6 cash. Wow, I came all the way here risking rape and death and she tells me I have to pay 6 cash to use 2 cards? She was definitely bullshitting me. I wanted to cry. I pleaded and told her my situation. I just threw in 2 crumpled up dollar bills and told her that’s the only cash I have with me. Lacking sympathy, she gave in to my plea. I finally reunited with my RSX. I never missed it so much. On my car ride back to the same place I came from, I was out $180. I was agonizing what happened the first 3 hours of the innocent day I woke up to. I got late tuition fees student loans didn’t pay for, cell phone bills and definitely going to pay back that hundreds of dollars debt I have from my credit card, not to mention rent.

Does god hate me?

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